Friday, May 22, 2009

Don't expect anything from anyone... ever...

This is generally how I think. I am not comfortable with expecting anything from anyone, so therefore I don't. When I do start to find myself expecting anything from anyone, I kind of back off some. I found this quote on another blog... and it got me thinking... It made me realize why I don't like to expect things from anyone. Why I have to do it all myself. I like to act like I'm all tough, but in reality I am saving myself from more disappointment. Is it fair to yourself to not give anyone the chance to disappoint? Is it fair to yourself to stay away from vulnerability and never take chances? I really don't know, but I think I will stay this way for now. Maybe someday I'll loosen up a little ;)

Anyway... here is the quote:

In life, don’t expect anything from anyone.
Because expectation, when not fulfilled, gives you pain.
When you get something without expecting it,
It gives you pleasure.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

becoming grounded

 The people that we become are a product of our choices and also things that are far beyond anyones control, lately I have been thinking about this a lot. How we can so easily forget who we are and where we have come from... how to get where we are going. I won't get into details but, with huge changes I think it's very easy to fall off track. I certainly have done that, but I am feeling especially grounded lately. That I can say I am back in touch with myself, my standards, my expectations in life... I hate that I lost myself for awhile there... I really do. I guess the only good thing that comes from our mistakes are the lessons we learn from them. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

Long time... big changes

So.... it's been about 6 months since I have last blogged here and my life has changed dramatically! My husband and I have separated and are on the final ends of our divorce. I have the kids in GA with me and he is being stationed in VA. I will continue to stay here and manage, somehow. I have learned so much about myself over the last 6 months and I am very happy with the decisions that I have made that have gotten me here. 

I will not go into the details over our divorce, but it was never a cake walk, nor should any marriage be expected to be. It was always hard... always fake... always pain. Now I am able to shed tears with no pain and be the woman I need to be and deserve to be. 

Life is hard, being a single mom is hard, but it's my life and I love it.

One thing that I wanted to write about is about a conversation that I had with my neighbor today. She was talking to me about how much her husband hurts her emotionally by the struggles in his life, or the demons shall we say. That only when he absolutely has to will ever admit he has a problem. That these horrible things he does has been going on for over two years now! She keeps begging him to get help and yet he refuses to put his family first and his own selfishness continues to take priority.  

Because I understand her, because I have been there and felt the immense pain that she is feeling everyday I have some things I want to say...

Men... and or women... when you are in a relationship give yourself to the person you love. If you fuck up, fix it, don't do it again and be the best person that you can be... for yourself and for your other half. When you do the same thing over and over again it means you are not sorry, it means you don't care. It means you are selfish. It means you eventually lose your family over it and when you think you are ready to change it will be far too late. 

If you have something good, hold on to it, fight for it, do everything you can to make it grow and flourish. In retrospect, if you are being mistreated over and over again, if you give everything you have and get only pain in return, if you forgive over and over again... don't be afraid to want a happier life, to want to be loved, to be appreciated, to be treated well. Don't be afraid of change, embrace it and know that you can't change people, that change has to come from within. 

Friday, October 24, 2008

Somewhere in transition

When big life changes come knocking at your door, do you answer? Or, just ignore it and go back to bed? I've felt like ignoring it for so long. But, I think it's time to answer. I've been comfortable in my life and unreality that exists there. Life for me is trying to run a business, take care of three wonderful kids, be a wife, and take care of a home.  The business is on the back burner right now because when it's on the front burner the house is on the back burner. I am no longer going to be able to be a doula. It breaks my heart. It was a good run though! 13 births since January, I am deeply impacted by every birth I have attended wether it was smooth sailing or not. 

My husband is not very supportive of my work and hates it when I have to run off in the middle of the night. As much as I'd love to tell him to suck it up because this is something I love SO much, I can't. Not at this point in our marriage, it would be damaging. So I am going to work full-time, currently looking for a job. No luck though, I have put in over 15 applications in the last few weeks. I will keep looking and hope for the best. It is going to kill me to leave my daughter to go back to work & school. Ah, that's another thing. I have to finish my nursing degree, I was planning on going in as a OB nurse. I am kind of falling back on my old plan now. It's important for me to have a job that will support my family if the need arises. 

I am excited about the changes to come (minus not being a doula) but as for the moment right now, I am stuck in transition. It's depressing. I have no job, and he let's me know that he thinks I contribute in no way to this family. I do not think I have ever been so frustrated. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Boycott Pampers

I am sure many of you have seen or heard that when you buy a pack of pampers that = one vaccination in a 3rd world country. 

Have you seen the commercial? An american mom is pushing her infant in the stroller and toddlers of all ethnicity come up to the hero of a mom and hug her for their vaccination because of her purchase of pampers diapers. Nice, huh? These vaccinations are not even going to children they are going to PREGNANT woman. Yes, you read it correctly! Interesting huh? You want to know what the vax is, it's the TETANUS shot.
Vet's do not even give pregnant animals vaccinations and yet unicef & pampers have teamed up to give tetanus shots to pregnant women. 

Now if they know that vaccines are dangerous during pregnancy for a dog, it stands to reason that they would be dangerous for a  gestating human, yet they insist on giving them anyway. The tetanus shot can be given after an injury, as in getting one in the doctor's office after a cut from a rusty metal nail. Knowing that vaccines are dangerous during pregnancy, they could easily give the vaccine after the birth. That is, if they are truly doing it for altruistic reasons. They know these people can't fight lawsuits to worry about, no announcements on TV, no nothing. 

Friday, April 4, 2008

YouTube video on how vax are made

click on title to view

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Med. Board final response

The verdict is that he did nothing wrong. That he performed within the scope of practice and he will be able to continue abusing and neglecting moms and get away with it. This is even more of an example of how healthcare in America is failing us all...

I want to vomit...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Why a homebirth?

Q1. A homebirth! Is that safe?

A. Not particularly, but we're big, fat risk-takers.

Q2. Aren't you afraid or scared of having a baby in your house?

A. Not half as scared as I would be to give birth in the hospital. The midwife has less stuff with her she can hurt me with than the doctors have in the hospital.

Q3. How do you manage pain at home?

A. Screaming, a lot. Biting things, or people, if necessary. Lots of swear words. Sometimes, I hit people, especially my husband, whose fault this whole thing is, after all. Just like in the movies.

Q4. What if something bad happens? I've heard about horrible things that can happen during a birth.

A. We'd be really screwed. Once we get out into the woods by the fire and the drummers burning incense, we enter a force field and can't leave it to go to a hospital. Ambulances can't get in, either.

Q5. Is the midwife trained?

A. If you're lucky...but if not, usually one of the drummers (by the fire, in the woods) will drop his drum and put out his incense and come over to help in an emergency.

This was on I thought it was hilarious!

Q6. Why do you want a homebirth?

A. Because I'm a control freak. Why else?

Q7. Shouldn't babies be born in hospitals? They're sterile and everything.

A. If the mother or the baby is sick, a hospital is the best place for them. Then when they catch MRSA, it won't matter so much because they were sick to begin with.

Q8. What about the mess? Isn't the birth messy?

A. You obviously haven't seen my house. Blood stains, medical waste, an errant all blends in over here.

Monday, November 19, 2007


seconds after birth and being placed on mom
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The business of being born

I am so excited to see this documentary! Just watching the trailer gives me goose bumps, these women are so wonderful to share their intimate and beautiful births. I love going back in my memories of meeting my children for the first time and bringing their beautiful souls into the world and I get it every time I see a birth!

I can't wait to start attending births, what an amazing thing!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Check this out

This is the joy of giving birth.

This is what I want!

I know many people who will read this may say to get over it, to be happy I had a natural birth, but gosh the difference of an ass of a doctor in the room to loving people makes the difference. I expected my birth to be joyful, for people to be smiling, not to have horrified looks on everyones faces because of the actions of ONE person. Not to have someone screaming at me, words cannot even begin to explain the impact this has had on me.

But, gosh look at the pictures on this site I posted, they are amazing and so many women can have it. Birth is not something to be feared, our bodies WORK, they REALLY do! Trust it!

The next step

We have received the bill from the birth and I absolutely REFUSE to pay to be ABUSED! This so-called-doctor did not even deliver the baby all this JERK did was abuse me why the heck would I pay for that! It is sooo time to talk to a lawyer! I wish I had better resources to get this out into the public so this "doctor" does not treat another mom like this.

I wish I would have planned a homebirth

I wish at 35 weeks when we agreed to a homebirth we would have been able to afford it and stuck it to the hospital

I wish I would have stayed home like I wanted.

I wish I would went back home when we thought about it about after the first hospital

I wish I would have listened to the way I felt when I prayed about staying home

Atleast I know now where all our other babies will be born.

In the quite solitude of our home with our children around and the in the care of loving women who live to do what they do.

In a way I wanted this birth to make up for my other births, to make it better, to have the best experience I could have. Physically this was the least painful birth, but the most traumatizing.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

How incredibly sad

China and one child law.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Mom, I am...

Thought this was cute!

Would you nurse her in the park?
Would you nurse him in the dark?
Would you nurse him with a Boppy?
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,
I would nurse her in the dark.
I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seat belt on?
Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse her `till she's full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?
Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes her healthy strong and smart,
Mommy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?
Would you nurse her in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?
I would nurse him at the game.
I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,
I have the perfect explanation.
Mommy's milk is tailor made
It's the perfect food, you need no aid.

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,
Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,
Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that this milk's the perfect food!

We make the amount we need
The perfect temp for every feed.
There's no compare to milk from breast-
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those sweet nursing smiles are oh so sweet,
Mommy's milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can't be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.
I will not let my baby cry,
I'll meet her needs, I'll always try.
It's not about what's good for you,
It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse her in my home,
I will nurse her when I roam.
Leave me be lads and ma'am.
I will nurse her, Mom I am.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Nothing better...

There is nothing better than waking up with a newborn nuzzled up to your breast in the morning! I love co-sleeping with my daughter so much! I enjoyed it with my boys also, but they moved so much and made tons of noise all night long. S is out once I am and we sleep all through the night and the mornings are so sweet. She will wake up when I do and her smiles are the perfect start to a great day!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

The sad reality of what obstetrics has become

This was written a few weeks ago on my family blog:

I am sure many of you remember the inhumane way I was treated as I birthed my daughter, only b/c of my choice for a natural childbirth. Well I filed a complaint with the group where dr. b works. I was not in pain, was NOT freaking out, and everything was going just as well as a birth could go. The doctor was mad b/c he had to get his tush out of bed and come in, then ticked b/c I wanted a natural delivery.
Let me also remind you I met the "doctor" about 25 minutes before our little blessing was born.
Some things this doctor said to me:

When walked in the room he commented with "nice view", b/c of my hands and knees position (how are you an OB?)

"you are getting an IV for when your birth is shot to hell"

"I am going to let you bleed out and die on the table"

"you should have stayed home"

"You are killing your baby" (b/c I would not lay on my back to push)

"When your baby dies it is your choice" (again b/c I did not push laying down)

Then as S's head was bulging he said he was going to give me a c-section.

He belittled me the entire time and brought a very cold prescense with him to the room. I begged him to stop talking to me the way he was.

He threw a fit about 5 times and slammed the door numerous times as well. I asked the nurse why he was acting that way and she said b/c he had to come in and I was not his normal patient. This was all in 25 minutes! He did not even deliver her, he stood next to the bed while the nurse delivered her, he did not check her over, did not check me over, did not examine the placenta or ANYTHING. As soon as her feet were out the doctor stormed out of the room and NEVER came back. He made everyone in the room beyond uncomfortable and am disgraced that such a terrible person was able to witness the beautiful birth of my child.
There was no problem at all in the birth, it was a complicated free and amazing birth. This doctor had something majorly stuck up him tush and was upset I was the one in control NOT him. It's MY body, My baby, *I* can make the RIGHT choices for us. Not some doctor who has to have control and *thinks* he is God. Over the years womens bodies have not magically lost it's ability to birth a child. I trust my body to do what it was MADE to do!

So I file a complaint, tell them of the emotional abuse and NEGLIGENCE of this doctor! I get a call from the office saying that they let the doctor know of my dissapointment with him. When I inquire if this was all they were going to do, she says "Yes, what else would you like?" "How about to make sure this never happens to another patient again!"

She also told me the doctor delivered the baby and he did check the placenta and checked me for tears. He did NONE of this! How can a doctor of ALL people treat someone the way this jerk treated me? I do not understand it! My doula H wrote a letter as well and she sums up how I feel pretty well.

here is part of what she wrote:

I have never before witnessed this kind of treatment from a physician. Most doctors are pleased to have patients who take responsibility for their own care and are informed about the birth process. C and her husband were fully prepared to have a natural birth with minimal intervention. They were successful but the outcome could have been very different because of the actions of Dr. B.

I’m not sure why Dr. B treated this patient the way that he did. Neither she nor her husband said anything to Dr. B. They did not deserve this type of treatment (no patient does) and what followed the birth was total negligence. If C had suffered from complications after the birth (such as hemorrhage, perineal tear, etc) there would have been no doctor there to treat her.

I hope that something like this never happens again. T has a reputation for being the most “natural birth-friendly” hospital in the area. Many mothers seek out this hospital because they believe they will have a better birth experience there. Hopefully this was an isolated incident and Dr. B does not treat all of his patients in this manner.


I am so grateful I had such a wonderful support team to keep me calm and guide me to the right decisions while this doctor spewed filth at me. J and H were awesome. The nurse we had also did well to not let the doctor infulence her and pretty much did her own with me. We all blessed to have the nurse we did.

I am grateful it was not just J and I there, atleast someone else can testify to the Medical Board that this kind of abuse is going on. We are not sure what steps we will take next. An apology would certainly be enough, but it does not seem like that would happen any time soon.

The Letter

I am writing in regards to my birth on August rd, 2007. I had planned and prepared for a natural childbirth for the birth of my third child. I was fully informed and prepared for the birth process. I started labor at 6pm and left for the hospital with my husband J and doula H by 8pm. We arrived at hospital A at 840pm, there were no rooms available and I was directed to a crowded waiting room. I knew I was close to delivering and decided to go to another hospital.

We decided on T due to its friendly attitude towards mothers who wish to have a natural childbirth. We arrived at T around 930pm. Once there I was told there was no doctor there at the time and the on-call OB would be called. Our nurse K did a vaginal exam and I was found to be 8cm dilated. I then labored comfortably on my hands and knees on the bed with the support of J and H. A little after 10pm Dr. B entered the room and immediately commented with “nice view” of my hands and knees position (I was clothed). He then proceeded to tell me that I was to have an IV placed before my birth was “shot to hell”. I declined and H told him I was fully hydrated and had only been in labor a short time. The nurse also informed him that I was 8cm an hour ago and would deliver soon. He then said since I was not getting an IV he would “let me bleed out and die on the table”. My husband told him no to the IV. Dr. B then tore off his gown and slammed the door as he left the room. A few minutes later after my body started to bear down to push he re-entered the room and told me I “should have stayed home”. At about 1040pm my daughters heart tones started to drop a little, the nurse directed me to move on my side from the hand and knees position. Dr. B started to scream at me that I was killing my baby and that when she died it was my fault and that I should have stayed home. Her levels had not dropped to a dangerous level and this doctor continued to scream at me that I was killing her; he kept screaming this to me over and over again. I begged him to stop; he would not, he just kept belittling me. Everyone in the room was horrified at the way this doctor was treating me. At his point my daughter’s head was bulging in the birth canal. Dr. B yelled, “I’ll give you a c/section.” The nurse told me the baby was fine and that she had dark hair, she encouraged me to push. She was out seconds later (apgar 8/9). At 10:47pm the baby was born. Dr. B stood at the foot of the bed as the nurse delivered the baby. As soon as she was out he ripped off his gown and slammed the door. He never came back in the room, he did not check me for tears, he did not deliver the placenta, did no type of examination on me what so ever.

I was horrified at the actions of this doctor. It is so shocking that any medical personnel would treat a patient in the manner that this doctor treated me. Never I have been so humiliated and abused by a person. I am ashamed that this person was present and witnessed the birth of my daughter. There was no reason for this doctor to treat me the way he did. Neither my husband nor I did anything to Dr. B. I am shocked and upset at the abuse and negligence from this doctor. Words cannot even begin to explain the sorrow I feel when I look back on this day because of this man. I was able to deliver my child naturally and free of complication, but the emotional abuse and negligence I received was beyond imaginable.

I would like a sincere apology from this doctor and most importantly for this doctor to have some type of repercussion for the way he treated me to ensure another patient is NEVER treated this way again.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.



The Birth

At the birth of our 3rd child I was degraded and humiliated my an OB doctor who was less than happy for my choice for a natural childbirth even though I was completely in control and very comfortable. I was also very well educated and informed of my choices and was alert and happy enough to imply them as I went through my labor. I had the wonderful help of my husband J and my Doula H. I will be using a this blog to follow the progress of my complaints to various agencies about this doctor and my various blurbs and thoughts on being a mom.