Friday, October 24, 2008

Somewhere in transition

When big life changes come knocking at your door, do you answer? Or, just ignore it and go back to bed? I've felt like ignoring it for so long. But, I think it's time to answer. I've been comfortable in my life and unreality that exists there. Life for me is trying to run a business, take care of three wonderful kids, be a wife, and take care of a home.  The business is on the back burner right now because when it's on the front burner the house is on the back burner. I am no longer going to be able to be a doula. It breaks my heart. It was a good run though! 13 births since January, I am deeply impacted by every birth I have attended wether it was smooth sailing or not. 

My husband is not very supportive of my work and hates it when I have to run off in the middle of the night. As much as I'd love to tell him to suck it up because this is something I love SO much, I can't. Not at this point in our marriage, it would be damaging. So I am going to work full-time, currently looking for a job. No luck though, I have put in over 15 applications in the last few weeks. I will keep looking and hope for the best. It is going to kill me to leave my daughter to go back to work & school. Ah, that's another thing. I have to finish my nursing degree, I was planning on going in as a OB nurse. I am kind of falling back on my old plan now. It's important for me to have a job that will support my family if the need arises. 

I am excited about the changes to come (minus not being a doula) but as for the moment right now, I am stuck in transition. It's depressing. I have no job, and he let's me know that he thinks I contribute in no way to this family. I do not think I have ever been so frustrated.